mayday! brain overboard.

the title explains it all :-)

Complicated ways of committing Suicide #22019

Instructions : Give the following speech at annual Amazonian Feminist conference.

Someone yesterday asked me how to get to the moon. I told him to go straight at about 7 miles per second and take a right when he got out of the earth's atmosphere. I even explained how he could land by making a 180-degree handbrake turn and revving the engine hard to generate reverse thrust. I guess I could've just said that I didn't know. But hey, I'm a guy. I never say 'I don't know'. It’s against the code, you see. Besides, he just might have reached the moon by now.

Why do you think we don't stop for directions, even when the female passenger (read, pest) nags us to? We know it’s just a scurvy way in which women try to make us think we don't know where we are. We always know. We know everything within acceptable limits of tolerance. Hell, I know I'm in the right country, don't I? Then it’s just a matter of time before I find 24, Hideaway Alley. Hell, it’s just around the corner. Whaddaya mean stop for directions? We don't do that. Pester us all you want. It’s always just around the next corner.

I know you think its stupid, that it’s just some macho quirk, but it’s really not. I've done lots of research on this. The fact is that we never actually don't know anything. As a guy, simply because I'm a guy, and precisely because I'm a guy, I must know something about everything. It’s true. We come complete with this a-priori knowledge base. Now, we may not know something completely. But you see, there's always a working hypothesis.

For example, if someone asks me how to make a bomb. I know Nitroglycerine is explosive, all right? So if you mix nitro (nitrate? Nitrite? Ammonia? Well, one of those) and glycerin, you get an explosive mixture. Then you pack it tight into something, and voila! You have your homemade bomb! Where do you get glycerin? Well, glycerin is what they use to make soap transparent, right? So go buy Pears! See? What do you mean I don't know how to make a bomb? And you women say we don't know. Bah!

Any questions? Yes? The lady in the leather jacket in the third row? What? Do I know how to load a shotgun? Sure. Open the breech, must be that catch right there. Yeah, that's it, now you gotta put two shells in the chamber. Now snap the breech closed. There, shotgun loaded. And I've only just seen Rambo movies and read war comics. See how we know everything? … Hey! Hey lady, you wanna point that shotgun somewhere else?


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